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At The Movies with Peter Clease: A Nightmare on Elm Street

Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees are all sitting in a room, minding their own business, when a troll, by the name of Michael Bay, walks into the room and insists one them appear in his new, undecided production.

Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees are all sitting in a room, minding their own business, when a troll, by the name of Michael Bay, walks into the room and insists one them appear in his new, undecided production. At first, they are apprehensive; they know a no good schlockmeister when they see one, but there is something about Bay's pornographic sensibilities that mesh with them. However, since Myers has to kill three naked, bobble-headed cheerleaders on Friday, he cannot meet the specific date required for the movie shoot. Without hesitation, Bay turns to a bigger misogynist than himself, Jason Voorhees, asking him if he is interested. Voorhees, disgusted with Bay after watching "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen," has no interest, but politely declines. Of course, Bay being the fickle creature he is, turns to Freddy who, after great thought, accepts the starring role. And that is how this project came to be.

l important query, indulge me for a moment as I supply my answer: no dead teenagers; no dogs named Rufus; no Freddy; no Elm Street; and no movie. However, I would be happy to watch this remake ten times over if it meant the satanic Michael Bay would never, ever work again, but that is, quite frankly, impossible since people sign their ballets to go see another idiotic, trashy Bay production over and over and over again. Is it the poor special effects, the sloppy characters, the moronic plot details or a combination of such? Oh no, it must be the fact that every single detail is hammered into your brain, right? Then what is it--because when brain-dead, corrupt films this consistently score while masterpieces, like "The Hurt Locker," struggle to get by, then I must ask, is everyone as stupidly inattentive as Bay? The man is a no talent piece of waste, with no skills as an entertainer, and his name, attached to any project, signals dread, but damn people, I expect more from you.

2.5 out of 5 popcorns

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