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At The Movies With Peter Clease: Easy A

Is that a pen in the corner of the screen; and why does the screen continue to fade to black--is there something wrong with the projector, damn it?--; and who's talking: and for that matter, where is she?--... is she the narrator?--...


Is that a pen in the corner of the screen; and why does the screen continue to fade to black--is there something wrong with the projector, damn it?--; and who's talking: and for that matter, where is she?--... is she the narrator?--... the narrator as well as the insipid lead; and why must she speak in trite; and why does she insist on acting in stereotype, as a teen:--as a lyrical (bad, bad, bad) wordsmith--one who coins prosaic phrases, and leeches them onto conversations, and talks, and talks; and as the film hums, hawing, the theatrical ventilators made distinct as accompanied by the constant click, click, click of the circulating film box, a question daunts: when is it over?

Speaking of which, how long am I into this?--: 3 minutes!--; and how long to go?--: 89 minutes! No amount of alcohol, red or white, however easily dreamy, could possibly reduce the set time frame "Easy A" insists upon itself, which seemingly triples each second and minute, and however 'innocent' and sporadically charming, is devoid of depth and of satire and of all the things it claims in its green existence as formulae porn. But therein lies the solution: drink more and drink hard, drink until the fizzle--the pop, pop, pop--of the screen is soundless and the images are as dingy as the bottle in hand: drink more, drink hard; drink. Itsh naw tha' the liquorash, the liquoresh...--& don't 'cuse me drinkin': sob' or not, thesh film-a ish lousish.

Indeed, the drunkard is correct: the characters have no depth, nor does the wit work, as it contains but a few laughs (three), nor does the drama: contained, the seriousness has no weight, and relies too heavily, sans regret, on plagiarizing previous (better) material. But even so, that material--30's and 40's rom-coms; the fast talking type--was hit and miss, and more often than not, a miss. In the case of "Easy A," a girl, Olive (played by Emma Stone), is a virgin, and she does not care, and yet she does case. Now, what happens next? Oh, yes: when a gay friend of hers (*struggling to remember his name*), Brandon (Dan Byrd), asks her if she could do him a 'favour' by pretending to have sex with him, as he is bullied and teased, and she agrees, but not before Byrd defecates all over his character with a standard homosexual cry, which does not have the realism of, say, a Mary Poppins, which is truly something, considering she routinely breaks into song!

Then comes the sentimental rainfall and the accepting parents and the climaxes and, oh, time for a love interest and, of course, a tidied up little ending. How sweet. How deeply, deeply, deeply moving. How nice it is, this film, right here, this insufferable creature, right here;--how nice.