Dear Miss Patti,
I feel my four-year-old is quite dependent on me and my friends are suggesting I encourage more independence. What do you suggest?
— 4 Going on 13?
Dear 4 Going on 13?,
I always felt the same as a parent. I thought the key was always to get them ready for school. I soon learned to follow their lead. They showed me very quickly when they were ready to do up their own coat or put on their own shoes. I always taught the skills but if they wanted my help I was always there to support. Children are a lot more capable than we give them credit for sometimes. Try not to do things for them that they can do themselves. Start the zipper and let them finish, put on one shoe and encourage they try the other.
Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr Gabor Mate wrote a book called Hold On To Your Kids and it taught me so much about this lovely balance. We want them to be dependent on us for many things for as long as we can. But again, not the things they are more than capable of doing on their own. If we create children who are too independent and feel they can’t look to us for support, they will turn to their peers, and we know that their peers are not always the best at providing good advice or lending support and encouragement. We want them to value our opinion and help them build an incredibly strong foundation. Just like with a house, if the foundation is not solid, then years later the house will start to crumble. We want them to know we will always be there for them to come to.
If we push them out of the nest too early, they won’t know how to fly yet and will lean on others to support them. Keeping them close allows children to learn the values and morals of your family and the things that are important in your home rather than values and morals of their peers, which again might not be in their best interest or align with yours.
You want to build their confidence so that they can go out into the world and explore but know that they can look back and you will be there to return to or give hugs when things don’t go well. Having said that, if we hold them too close we are creating an anxious state where they feel the world is too scary to explore. When you bring them to preschool or daycare for the first time, model your confidence that they’ve got this! Model the language that this is a safe place for them to learn and grow and their teachers have got them and will keep them safe — then go and cry in the car. If you hang on too long or cry in front of them, they will sense the place is not safe and will have a difficult time separating.
Now, that’s not to say that they enter kindergarten without any skills, but you’ll find that so much growth happens as they turn five or right before they enter school, and they will be more than ready. There is no need to drill it into them at three or four. Modelling kindness, honesty and patience goes a lot further than knowing how to zip up their jacket. I guarantee you that they will not be 30 years old and not know how to zip up their coat.
—Miss Patti
Send your questions to Miss Patti at motherofdragonflies2021@outlook.com
