LEAP LAFF: Saturday was Feb. 29, the extra day that’s added every four years because of how long it takes the Earth to travel around the Sun. Here’s my question: If the Sun is so darn smart, how come it hasn’t figured out how to shine at night? Are leap years really necessary? Instead of having a 24-hour Leap Day every four years, how about every year we have a six hour Leap Lunch Break? It’s just a suggestion.
WEATHER WORD: According to the Weather Network, northern regions of BC and Alberta will have a warmer than normal spring this year. In the Peace Country, spring is traditionally the Season of Mud. I guess warm mud is better than cold mud. Springtime in the Peace can be a crazy mixed up time. You could easily see a guy shovelling show off one end of his yard and then a few minutes later he’s mowing the grass at the other end of his yard.
BIKE BULLETIN: A news item said sales of electric motorcycles are surging in Canada. Riding a motorbike is the most fun you can have while getting bugs stuck between your teeth.
FRIENDS FACT: The Friends reunion TV show is happening. When the original Friends show was on the air, millions of women copied Jennifer Aniston’s hairstyle. If I was on TV, millions of guys would copy my bald patch.
NAP NEWS: In a survey released last week, people who take naps are happier than non-nappers. I’m a napper. But sometimes I wake up from a nap feeling worse than when I started the nap. But I know the cure for that problem: A nap.
SEWAGE SITUATION: According to a newly released investigation by Environment Canada, billions of litres of raw sewage are pumped into Canadian waterways every year. That's terrible. By the way, we also need an investigation into the amount of crap that's pumped into Canadian homes by Netflix and cable TV companies.
TOKYO? DON'T GO. There's a report the 2020 Tokyo Olympics may be canceled because of the coronavirus. I'm kind of surprised the Olympics still happen. The Olympics are politically incorrect. It's a
bunch of strong, fast people who make the rest of us feel bad because we're weak and slow. And speaking of the Olympics, a news report says many Olympic athletes have financial problems. Like the pole vaulter who was midway through a training jump and the bank repossessed his pole.
DUCK STUCK: In Birmingham, England: Robbers fled from a store, leaving behind something very unusual. A live duck. It's not known why they had a duck with them. Police are trying to quack the case. The duck refused to give information about the robbers. Because it's not a stool pigeon.
PHIL PHUN: TV talkshow host Dr Phil was awarded a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He already has a star on the Bald Guy Walk of Fame, the Weird Mustache Walk of Fame, and the Annoying Guys On TV Who Like To Stick Their Nose Into Your Business Walk of Fame.
BRAIN DRAIN: At the Canada/US border in Michigan, American customs agents seized a pickled human brain inside a jar. An investigation revealed the pickled brain was used for medical research. It was all done with thinking.
HOVER HOT: For this week's final news chew: There's a warning a hoverboard sold on Amazon can suddenly burst into flames and scorch your feet. An Amazon spokesperson said: "No problem. We also sell asbestos shoes."
