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Chew the News

EASTER: Sunday was Easter. A time to think of miracles. In Ottawa there was a rumor of an Easter miracle -- Michael Ignatieff saying something nice about Stephen Harper. It turned out to be untrue.

EASTER: Sunday was Easter. A time to think of miracles. In Ottawa there was a rumor of an Easter miracle -- Michael Ignatieff saying something nice about Stephen Harper. It turned out to be untrue.

(Every Easter when I was a kid I got new clothes and we went to church. I'd sit there in church, in my stiff new clothes, and I'd ask God why He created chafing)

TOYOTA TROUBLES: Toyota invited a team of NASA scientists to take a look at Toyota cars and see if they can figure out what caused recent problems. Good idea. Because, as we all know, every NASA space rocket comes equipped with brakes.

TORONTO: King Tut has been on display in Toronto. Thousands of people have visited the young Egyptian King at the Art Gallery of Ontario, he's scheduled to visit New York next. Do you think King Tut has a problem getting through airport security? Is he allowed to board a plane with more than three ounces of embalming fluid?

CELL HELL: According to a new study: 1 in 7 Canadians do not own a cell phone. They are mostly old folks. You can see them -- trying to send a text on their TV remote.

NUKE: Bill Gates of Microsoft says he's planning to build a nuclear reactor. This is every high school jock's worst nightmare come true: Nerds with nuclear weapons.

POLLUTION: A top scientist says humans will never win the fight against pollution. He says instead of struggling to reverse the effects of pollution we should develop drugs that make people immune to poisoned air and bad water. That's kind of like trying to solve the obesity problem by outlawing regular-size clothing.

LONDON: A British politician predicts the 2012 London Olympics will be, quote "the best ever". How come these things always have to be "the best ever"? Just once I'd like to hear somebody say -- "We're planning a nice event. It's going to be average".

IDOL: "American Idol" is getting close to the final, soon we'll have a new Idol. You can feel the tension, you can feel the pressure. But hey, you need tension and pressure to produce the finest Karoake.

APRIL FOOL: Thursday was April Fool's Day. Here's a great April Fool gag I used on my dog, remember this for next year. Walk into the room carrying a box of tools with a big label -- "Neuter Your Dog At Home Kit". This gag only works if your dog can read.

FORT ST JOHN: On Saturday, March 27th, as part of the "Earth Hour" power saving exercise, we were supposed to dim our lights and decrease electrical consumption for one hour between 8.30pm and 9.30pm. Last week BC Hydro released power usage information for that "turn off the lights and save the Earth" event. Maybe the "Energetic City" should change its slogan to the "Extremely Energetic City", because during "Earth Hour", electrical usage in Fort St John actually INCREASED. (BC Hydro did not supply data for Dawson Creek) Did Fort St John send a collective middle finger to environmentalists? Maybe. Or maybe folks there realized that when BC Hydro encourages us to save power, it's so they can work on selling more to the U.S. And the more power they send south of the border, the more it positions us in the same power marketplace as America. A situation which will eventually enable BC Hydro to charge us more -- for the power they told us to use less of. So maybe it makes sense to use more power. Way to go Fort St John! By the way: I heard a rumor BC Hydro has started to water down its electricity so we get less power from it. I heard it last Thursday, on April 1st, so maybe it's not true. Maybe.

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