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Chews the News

BIEBER BULLETIN: 16 year old Canadian singing sensation Justin Bieber announced he is writing his autobiography. It'll be a genuine, multi-media Justin Bieber experience.

BIEBER BULLETIN: 16 year old Canadian singing sensation Justin Bieber announced he is writing his autobiography. It'll be a genuine, multi-media Justin Bieber experience. As you turn the pages, each copy of the book will have the authentic aroma of Clearasil.

ASTEROID: Scientists say a giant asteroid may strike Earth in the year 2182 and destroy all life on our planet. That might not be such a bad thing, because by then we'll be in the 173rd season of "Glee".

GLEE: It was announced the highly popular TV show "Glee" may do an episode featuring Beatles songs. Maybe Ringo Starr could appear as a cranky old music teacher. That's if Ringo can get time off from the school where he now works as a cranky old music teacher.

ASPIRIN: A new study shows aspirin not only cures your headache, it may also extend your life by several years. But looking at the world I would have to live those extra years in -- I'd rather have the headache.

OTTAWA: Last Wednesday the federal government toughened Canada's laws against organized crime. At this point you're probably expecting me to come up with a silly joke that compares politicians to people involved in organized crime. That wouldn't be fair to our politicians. After all, organized crime is -- organized.

MEDICAL: Canadian scientists have developed an exciting new computer program. It helps doctors diagnose medical problems just by having the patient cough into the phone. The next step -- "Cough Forwarding" and "Cough Waiting".

CELL GERMS: On CBC last week, an expert said the mouthpiece area of the average cell phone contains 15 million germs. That's why I always talk into the earpiece.

MOSQUITO MAYHEM: In Taiwan, a woman set a world record by killing four million mosquitoes in a contest. The judges didn't actually count the mosquitoes, they weighed them. Well hey, that's not fair. They wouldn't get an accurate count if some of the mosquitoes were obese.

SMARTS: Researchers at the University of Maryland say they are close to inventing a "smart pill" that helps people think better. I would definitely use a daily smart pill Monday thru Friday. But I would never use it at the weekend. I like to act dumb at the weekend.

FANTASTIC PLASTIC: A sailing boat made from 12,000 empty plastic bottles arrived in Sydney, Australia after completing a voyage across the Pacific Ocean. It was a journey designed to prove that recycling of plastic can be made to work. There were times when the crew thought the plastic bottle boat would come apart. But the glue holding the bottles together was very strong. It's the same glue they use at a certain supermarket here in Dawson Creek to glue the shopping carts together.

HOROSCOPE: In an Internet survey: 46 per cent of Canadians believe in astrology, and 19 per cent check their horoscope daily. Sometimes I check my horoscope in the newspaper. I like to read it one day late, to check if it came true. And if it didn't come true -- I call the newspaper to complain.

DRY DAWSON CREEK: The drought situation in the Peace Country is getting serious. In a local doughnut shop, where farmers gather to complain about the weather, one guy suddenly leap to his feet and started jumping around. His buddies thought he was doing a rain dance. It turns out he just spilled hot coffee in his lap.

How dry is it? You know it's dry when the Kiskatinaw River needs mowing.

chewsthenews@gmail.com

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