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Chews the News

$$$: A report published last week by Statistics Canada shows Canada escaped the worst effects of the global recession. By the way, Statistics Canada is the organization that has successfully predicted 14 of the last three recessions.

$$$: A report published last week by Statistics Canada shows Canada escaped the worst effects of the global recession. By the way, Statistics Canada is the organization that has successfully predicted 14 of the last three recessions.

ALLERGIES: Across North America there's a scary amount of pollen, it's shaping up to be a monster allergy season. Experts say if you have bad allergies you should wear a Medic-Alert bracelet. I wear a NON-Medic Alert bracelet. It says "Extremely sensitive to nagging. Allergic to loud cell phone talkers. Parallel parking intolerant. Rap music may cause fatal reaction".

TV: Oprah Winfrey announced she will have a new nighttime talkshow. Oprah says she's looking forward to reaching a new audience. There are millions of people out there whose lives she hasn't stuck her nose into yet.

BEATLES: The Vatican apologized for condemning the Beatles back in the 1960s. The Pope is a big fan of '60s music. But the Catholic Church does not believe today's rock musicians are descended from the Monkees.

EVEREST: A 13-year-old California boy aims to be the youngest person to climb Mount Everest. How did his parents motivate a teen boy to climb Mount Everest? They told him a guru who lives at the top of the mountain has the answer for how to get rid of zits.

ON THE LAMB: A strange story from Argentina. Two inmates escaped from a prison sheep farm by disguising themselves with sheepskins. Police say they believe the escapees are hiding out, amongst the sheep. OK, here's what the cops should do: Spray the entire area with mint jelly. All the real sheep will scatter immediately.

BUNJEE BULLETIN: In South Africa, a 96-year-old man became the world's oldest bunjee jumper. The old guy bounced up and down on the bunjee cord so many times he straightened out all of his wrinkles.

MUSIC: The crazy fundamentalists who run the African nation of Somalia have banned music. If you are caught making music you can be executed. Justin Bieber's scheduled tour of Somalia will go ahead. Everybody agrees -- what he does is not music.

WHY FLY: Last week a volcanic eruption in Iceland shut down air travel in Europe. London's Heathrow is one of the world's busiest airports. Because of volcanic ash in the air, there were no planes flying in or out. Security guards kept busy by frisking each other.

HST: Folks in Dawson Creek had a chance to sign Bill Vander Zalm's anti-HST petition. Somebody once said "Taxes are the price we pay for living in a civilized society". If that's true -- I believe we should all get a huge refund.

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