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Chews the News

AT THE MOVIES: Now in theaters, the new "Karate Kid"movie. When I was a kid I wanted to learn self defence. Butmy Mom said it was cheaper to let the school bullies takemy lunch money than it was for her to pay for karate lessons.

AT THE MOVIES: Now in theaters, the new "Karate Kid"movie. When I was a kid I wanted to learn self defence. Butmy Mom said it was cheaper to let the school bullies takemy lunch money than it was for her to pay for karate lessons.

A TEAM: Also in theaters, the new "A Team" movie. Iwas a big fan of the TV show. Mr T was my favourite. Hewas a tough guy. When Mr T made his hand prints on theHollywood Walk of Fame -- he made them AFTER thecement was dry.

SOCCER: It's a mystery to me why the CBC is spendingso much airtime on the World Cup of Soccer. Are therereally that many soccer fans in Canada? According to anitem on TV, in South Africa, where the World Cup is happening,gamblers smoke fried vulture brains. They believe itgives them the power to predict soccer match results.Idiots! Everybody knows smoking dried vulture brains is forpeople who want to predict who will win the Tour DeFrance. If you want to predict the winner of a soccer gameyou have to smoke pickled orangutan pancreas.

MORE SOCCER: World Cup soccer games will not beshown on a major TV network in the States. Americans arenot interested in soccer. To persuade an American to watchsoccer, you'd have to replace the ball with the head of aBritish Petroleum executive.

MEDICINES: A study show 50% of the "over the counter"medicines available in Canada today were not available20 years ago. When you're at the drug store there are somany exciting new cures -- if you're healthy -- you feelcheated.

BACK PAIN: In a report published last week, medicalexperts say back pain may be over treated. I've met manypeople who suffer with back pain. But I've also met manypeople who are a pain in a place just below the back.

IT'S A LOAD OF BULL: In Mexico, the latest bullfightingsensation is a 12 year old boy. That's correct, he's fightingbulls and he's only twelve. The bulls hate this kid. Theyespecially hate the way he skateboards around them.

ALIENS: A Russian scientist says space aliens are alreadyhere on Earth and are probing our minds. That's OK. Of allthe parts of me they could probe -- my mind is the onething I don't mind them messing with.

CEREAL: Under pressure from Washington, Kelloggs hasagreed to stop claiming Rice Krispies cereal will boost achild's immune system. They also agreed to change thename of "Special K" to "Ordinary K".

TV: Tuesday night's show was the season closer for theNumber One show on TV -- "Glee". On "Glee" teachersencourage students to be upbeat and positive. Teachers atmy high school were the exact opposite. We didn't have aGlee Club. We had a Glum Club.

iPHONE: Last week Apple unveiled the iPhone-4. It'll beavailable in late summer. This iPhone is less than 10 millimetersthick. The average iPhone user's monthly phone bill is12 millimeters thick.

VANCOUVER: Residents of Vancouver are now allowedto keep chickens in their backyards. Under a new bylaw,people may keep up to four chickens. Chickens are fascinatingand very useful birds. They are one of the few creaturesthat can be eaten before birth and after death. The City ofVictoria (where politicians frequently lay eggs) also allowsbackyard coops. That's a good thing. Because if the BCLiberals do not cancel the HST -- the chickens will be cominghome to roost.

chewsthenews@gmail.com

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