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Chews the News

TOUR DE BULL: Two big annual events were happeninglast week in Europe. The Tour de France, and Spain'sRunning of the Bulls. For next year, organizers are hopingto combine both events.

TOUR DE BULL: Two big annual events were happeninglast week in Europe. The Tour de France, and Spain'sRunning of the Bulls. For next year, organizers are hopingto combine both events. The bulls will ride tricycles-- because they can't balance on two wheels.

BBQ: According to the CBC, some community collegesin Canada are offering classes in barbecue cooking.Remember: The instructor is not a true barbecue expertif he still has both of his eyebrows.

TRIGGER: On the auction block last week: The preservedremains of Roy Rogers' horse, Trigger. Thestuffed Trigger sold for $266,000. That's big money fora stuffed movie critter. And this just in: The studio thatproduced the Chipmunks movies says Alvin, Simon andTheodore will be put to sleep -- and stuffed -- and sold.

2012: Have you noticed how people have stoppedtalking about the world ending in 2012? We need toget that panicky thing going again. If we don't startworking people into a frenzy -- we'll all be way toocalm when the big day arrives.

GUNS: In Louisiana there's a new law that allowspeople to bring guns into church. I feel very fortunatemy hometown didn't have that law back when I sang inthe church choir. (I was not a great singer)

TWILIGHT: Filming on the next "Twilight" movie willstart soon, partly in Canada. Canadian vampires have tobe very careful in winter. If a vampire bites a frozen person-- he could snap a fang.

CHEW ON THIS: A British company has inventedchewing gum that does not stick to sidewalks or shoes.It will be available in Canada next year. Gee, non-stickchewing gum goes against the laws of Nature. That'slike ice cream that does not cause brain freeze. That'slike a grape-flavored Slushie that does not color yourtongue purple.

CONTACTS: From our "I Wish I Was Making This Up"Department: The latest fashion trend for teenage girls isfake contact lenses. Contacts lenses that do nothingexcept make your eyes look big. And girls -- if your parentscan't afford fake contacts -- you can give theimpression you're wearing them by blinking a lot andpulling down on your eyelids.

TORONTO: A Canadian child psychologist says childrenyounger than two years of age should not watchmore than one hour of TV per day. He says TV makes itharder for kids to interact with reality. When I was akid, we were poor. We couldn't afford reality.

MEMORY: According to a study at CambridgeUniversity in England: Women have better memoriesthan men. Here's my question: If women have suchgreat memories, how come the average woman can'tremember if she can fit into a pair of jeans and she hasto keep asking people if the jeans make her butt lookbig?

MAD MEL: The big story out of Hollywood last weekwas the tapes of Mel Gibson screaming obscenities. Melsays the whole thing is all a big misunderstanding. Thetapes were auditions for his role in a new movie. Amovie titled -- "The Mel Gibson Story."

GAMBLING: Looking for new ways to throw awayyour hard-earned cash? The B.C. Government will soonlaunch a major expansion of its on-line gambling operations.Our province will open North America's first government-run online poker. This is perfect for GordonCampbell. He has the perfect poker face. Gordon'sgreat at bluffing. For example, nobody could tell he wasbluffing when he promised never to introduce the HST.And nobody could tell he was bluffing when he campaignedfor your vote with a promise he would neverexpand gambling.

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