Alien Messages: Hole in the wall

Kalpana - B.C. health authorities must be very concerned that COVID-19 will make people forget how to reproduce, because they have recommended the use of what they call “glory holes” as the “new normal” for intimate intercourse.

Charo - It is challenging to deliver a description of a “glory hole” that is not PG, so I will explain it through a metaphor: Imagine you are selling cucumbers at a farmer’s market, but you want to keep yourself COVID-free, so you put a wall in front of you. You make a hole in the wall, and you sell the cucumbers through the hole.

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Kalpana - Brilliant! The problem is there are no glory hole walls available on Amazon, so people are apparently making their own with old drywall from the garage. Some cucumbers have received injuries as a result.

Charo - This reminds me of La Bocca della Verita, The Mouth of Truth, in Rome. It's a sculpture from the 1600s that stands against the portico of the Santa Maria in Cosmedin church, and its eyes and mouth are holes. You are supposed to put your hand through the mouth, and, if you are a liar, it is said to cut off your hand.

Kalpana - Well, let’s hope this kind will be more lenient to sinners. Now Tinder users will have to provide pictures of themselves and their glory walls. Come to think of it, you don’t even need Tinder because if you don’t actually see who is on the other side, anyone will do.

Charo - But proceed with caution, readers. You might hit the wrong wall and find yourselves with a pickle instead of a cucumber. Oh dear.

Kalpana - How very romantic… Will the porn industry be also subject to this practice? They are going to have to get mighty creative if they are!

Charo - And why not? The arm of the techno-sanitary dictatorship should reach us all equally. But only the arm, eh? And I wonder, Kalpana, will our misbehaved neighbours of the sexy south follow the advice from the wiser, naughty north?

Kalpana - Of course! Why do you think Trump is so adamant on building the wall? It’ll certainly be a wall full of holes!

Charo - I’m sure that will improve greatly the relationships between United States and Mexico.

Kalpana - Yeah! Maybe Trump deserves more credit than what we normally give him.

Charo - Ah, Kalpana, these are times of bizarre horniness. Good thing we are both married.

Charo Lloret is from Spain; Kalpana Loganathan is from India. They write on their experiences immigrating to Fort St. John.  

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