WHICH WITCH: We start this week’s news chewing session in Milton, Ontario. A woman was charged with using witchcraft to cheat victims out of more than $60,000. An RCMP spokesman says the phony witch could go to jail for a long time. But first he has to figure out how to change back into a human from a frog. By the way: Canadian witches are kind of different. Instead of a broom, they fly around on a hockey stick. Witchcraft has advanced a lot in recent years. Witches now use non-stick cauldrons. They even offer spells with gluten-free eye of newt.
VOTE NOTE: Last week, Elections BC issued a statement saying they are confident the upcoming referendum will run smoothly, without any big problems. Well, that does it for me. I’m out. I can’t vote. I only vote when there’s a reasonable chance of a screwup. A “no screwup” situation is too far from the usual British Columbia political norm for me to participate. Many people are saying the proportional representation thing is way, WAAAAY too complicated. They have no idea exactly what it is they’re being asked to vote on. It’s actually very simple. You are being offered the choice of two political options. Under Option A, the politicians get to fool some of the people all of the time. Under Option B, they get to fool all of the people some of the time.
PRINCESS PARTICULARS: Last week in Tokyo, a Japanese princess gave up her royal title to marry a commoner. In royalty circles this is known as a Reverse Meghan Markle.
HALLOWEEN HAPPENED: Last Wednesday was Halloween, a night we tell our kids to forget what we told them about never taking candy from strangers. This week, I have a suggestion for leftover Halloween candy, the rock hard stuff kids couldn’t eat. Let’s tour the streets of Fort St. John, looking for potholes we can fill with it.
CHRISTMAS IS COMING: Now Halloween is over it’s time to start thinking about Christmas. On CBC last week, a psychologist said listening to Christmas music can cause depression. I agree. And another thing: What will it take for Grandma to look both ways before crossing the street to avoid being run over by a reindeer?
PHONE PHACT: A fitness expert was on TV saying cell phones are to blame for people not getting enough exercise. How about this for a fitness idea: For every text your phone receives, it gets slightly heavier.
MATH MEMO: A study released last week shows men and women have equal talent at math. Although women are much better at doing that thing we call putting two and two together.
WHIZ KID: CBC featured a teenager in London who runs his own computer software company. He designs software for financial experts and he’s only 16 years old. Gee, when I was 16 I thought I was a technical genius when I discovered I could spell “hello” if I held my calculator upside down.
LIBRARY LAFF: Last week in Shreveport, Louisiana: A man made news by returning a library book that was 84 years overdue. The librarian waived the fine. Librarians can be very scary. A guy I know was shushed by a librarian in 1997. He hasn’t made a sound since then.
TREK DREK: Coming next year, a new comedy TV show based on Star Trek. Yes, a comedy. Don’t miss the hilarious episode where Captain Kirk uses his phaser to trim a few inches off Spock’s ears.
SIZE STUFF: The makers of Kleenex say they will rename their “man-size” tissues, apparently the name is gender insensitive. My wife says when I have a cold, and I’m whining about how sick I am, I need “wimp-size” tissues.
TITANIC TALE: An Australian billionaire is building a replica of the ill-fated Titanic. The new cruise ship Titanic-2 will make its maiden voyage in 2022. I wouldn’t cruise on a ship named Titanic if they put wheels on it and cruised through Saskatchewan and Manitoba. There are icebergs that are smart enough to sneak thousands of miles inland.