BEER BARK: Welcome to our weekly round of news chewing. Think of each news chew as another handle that needs jiggling on the noisy toilet of life in the bathroom of the cosmos. We start in North Dakota, where a brewery now features dogs available for adoption on its beer cans. That's a neat idea. Some people train their dogs to fetch them a beer — now there's a beer that can fetch you a dog.
BEARD BULLETIN: Here's something new for Christmas: Beard lights. Tiny battery-operated colored lights a guy can clip onto his beard. And coming soon: Ear hair lights and nose hair lights. Ain't technology wonderful!
CRIME TIME: In Vancouver, a thief stole a bronze statue worth $24,000 from the sidewalk outside a downtown art gallery. Surveillance video shows a thief dragging the statue away, it weighs 150 kilograms. The suspect is described as male, approximately 5 foot 11 inches tall, medium build, with a hernia. If he didn't have a hernia before, it's safe to assume he has one now.
PRODUCTIVITY PROBLEM: Microsoft in Japan tried a four-day work week and productivity jumped 40%. Here's a tip for workers: Always keep your productivity super low, in case your company experiments with a four-day work week. Then, when they start the four-day work week trial, increase your productivity. That's how to get a day off every week.
TERMINATOR TROUBLE: The new Terminator movie is a major flop at the box office. Maybe it flopped because people are bored with films about time travel. I have a theory that time travelers have visited us. But they left after a few seconds — because a nearby radio was playing rap music.
STAR BORES: The poor performance of the Terminator movie has Hollywood nervous about the new Star Wars film. The Rise of Skywalker hits theaters in December. It's the longest Star Wars movie ever at 2 hours, 35 minutes. Why is this movie extra long? To save the environment all the lightsabers are hand cranked. It takes 10 minutes of winding to get one of those things to light up.
BEE GEES: Do you remember the Bee Gees? A movie about the high-pitch singing group is in the works. OK, I have a VERY SERIOUS question: Who do I sue if the Bee Gees movie creates a revival of disco music? Maybe you're young, and you've never heard disco music. Your grandparents thought it was terrific. That's all you need to know.
BOOMER BULLETIN: "OK, Boomer" is the latest expression being thrown around by young people. It's an insult they are aiming at old people. Is it offensive? Kind of. It's somewhere between "Shut up, old fart!" and "Stuff it, Grandpa!"
NAME GAME: For many years Encana has been an iconic Canadian energy company. The company recently announced it will move its headquarters to the States. Will this mean a name change for Dawson Creek's entertainment venue? I suggest changing the name from the Encana Centre to the UN-Cana Centre.
LEGO: In the works: A new TV gameshow with contestants building stuff with Lego bricks. Hey, how about a gameshow where contestants build IKEA furniture? They could bleep out the curse words. The Lego TV show sounds interesting. For a parent, nothing is more satisfying than hearing a kid yell "Ouch!" after stepping barefoot on the same Lego brick you stepped on barefoot yesterday.
GUINNESS GAG: A man set a new Guinness Record. He's the first person to run a mile while blindfolded and juggling. Very impressive. What's next for this guy? He's going to run a mile while blindfolded and juggling and brushing his teeth and texting on his phone and cleaning his ear with a Q-Tip and trimming his toenails.
PARTICULARLY PARALLEL: A Toronto scientist was on CBC saying he's confident there's a parallel universe. That's very exciting news. A parallel universe? I am literally beside myself.
CHRISTMAS CHEER: Finally, getting back to the topic of Christmas: A study published last week shows people who put up Christmas decorations early are happier. So, go ahead, deck the halls. But don't over-deck. Or it'll take you until Easter to un-deck.