REST STOP REPORT: We start news chewing at Mile 202 of the Alaska Highway. The Peace River Regional District opened an attractive new rest stop as part of its “Gotta Go” plan. That’s a nifty name for a plan. Many tourists leap out of their cars at rest stops and run to the washrooms as part of their personal “Gotta Go Really Really Bad My Bladder Is Bursting” plan. By the way: That feeling you’ve used a washroom before is known as “Deja-Poo”.
WHY FLY: While we’re on this toilet topic, let’s mention the airline flight out of the UK that was forced to turn back last week when the plane’s toilet overflowed and exploded. The name of the airline? Wizz Air. You can’t make up this stuff. Well, actually, you can. But, when it’s true it’s funnier.
PHONE PHUN: Maybe you saw a news story about how prolonged phone use by young people is causing horns to grow on their heads. It turned out to be fake news. They’re not horns, they’re antennas. Also fake news: Prolonged texting can cause your hands to grow extra thumbs.
SNOW, OH NO: Last week was the first full week of summer, but some places in Western Canada received heavy snowfall. Yes, deep snow in June! Something is very wrong when you see a guy wearing Bermuda shorts and mukluks.
FRANCE FRYING: Meanwhile, France has a record-breaking heatwave. When it’s hot in Paris they don’t fry eggs on the sidewalk. They cook gourmet Quiche Lorraine on the sidewalk. You know it’s hot in Paris when the Eiffel Tower is wilting.
SMOKE CHOKE: San Francisco already had strict anti-smoking rules, last week they became the first city in North America to ban the sale of e-cigarettes for vaping. To celebrate, Tony Bennett has a new song: I Left My Lung in San Francisco.
NAME GAME: In Indonesia, parents of a newborn baby boy made news by naming their son Google. “Welcome to the family” said his brothers, Username and Password.
SYLVESTER SNARK: Movie actor Sylvester Stallone is planning a meet and greet event where fans can pay $1,000 to take a selfie with him. A thousand bucks for a picture? That’s ridiculous. Some people are sooooo dumb. Message me. I’ll photoshop you next to Sylvester. I charge only $500.
SPACE STUFF: Canadian astronaut David Saint-Jacques made a safe return to Earth from the International Space Station after 204 days in orbit. I’ve always wondered: What happens when somebody sneezes in zero-gravity? Are they launched backwards at high speed? How about a science fiction movie with space aliens who propel themselves through the galaxy by sneezing? They move forwards, not backwards, because their huge noses are on the back of their heads. Hey, there are dumber movies.
FB LOL: Last week, Facebook announced its new data centre will run on 100% wind energy. That makes sense. Most of what you read on Facebook is hot air.
MOSQUITO MEMO: Last week was Mosquito Control Awareness Week. Here in the Peace we have two types of mosquitoes. Mosquitoes that are small enough to fly through the holes in your screen door, and mosquitoes that are big enough to kick down your screen door
DAYLIGHT DISS: The B.C. government is doing a survey to find out how residents feel about changing their clocks twice a year to account for Daylight Saving Time. This does not impact the Peace. We know better than to fool around with time. Many years ago I worked as the all-night DJ on a Vancouver radio station. Between the songs I talked to the strange and wacky people who called in. On the night when the clocks were turned back I had to handle an extra hour of weirdos. That convinced me to move back up here. In the Peace, we have a much nicer type of weirdo.