Regular readers of this column will know I enjoy bringing you news of scientific studies. Let’s catch up on a few studies I somehow overlooked in 2018:
FAT FACT: A medical study showed being overweight can cause mental confusion. This explains why Santa thinks reindeer can fly.
BROCCOLI BULLETIN: In a food study, broccoli lowers the risk of heart disease. Did you know you can put broccoli on pizza? I read about it in a magazine article titled, How To Cure Your Pizza Addiction. Meanwhile, a different study showed eating spicy peppers may prolong your life. It’s true. Peter Piper was 130 when he picked his final peck of pickled peppers.
SOCIAL STUFF: According to a study, spending only one hour a day on social media can make a person feel insecure and depressed. For your other 23 hours per day of insecurity and depression, you’ll need to talk to real people in the real world.
THIS LITTLE PIGGY: A psychology study showed pigs are more intelligent than previously thought. Here’s my question: If pigs are so smart, how come they don’t change that thing where they are made of delicious bacon?
WHAT’S UP DOC? A study showed the doctor shortage is getting worse in northern areas like the Peace Country. Many doctors don’t want to work where winters are long and cold. Although some sadistic doctors enjoy shocking a patient with a freezing stethoscope.
SALAD BAR BULLETIN: According to a study, restaurant salad bar sneeze guards do not protect food from contamination. And in a study conducted by me: Restaurant managers get annoyed when a customer uses a squeegee to clean the sneeze guard. And speaking of germs, a study showed the average cell phone has more germs than the average toilet. In the same study: The average germ is bored with phones and toilets and is looking for someplace new to visit.
SMOKE STOP: Researchers released a study showing acupuncture is an effective way to quit smoking. Here’s how it works: When you stick a bunch of needles in your lips, it’s hard to put a cigarette in there.
SLEEP STUFF: A medical study showed many Canadian teenagers are sleep deprived. It’s a serious problem. Lack of sleep for teens can lead to irritability, mood swings, memory loss, and reduced ability to text. Meanwhile, a different study showed insomnia can be cured by online therapy. So if you’d like to learn the secret of getting a good night’s sleep, click on www.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.com.
MUSIC MEMO: A study showed attending live music events may add years to your life. Well hey, it certainly worked for the Rolling Stones. A different music study showed kids who learn how to play piano get better academic grades. I remember asking my piano teacher, “If I wash my hands, can I play the white keys too?”
SPIDER SILLY: According to a scientific study, in the real world Spider-Man could not climb walls. Also, Superman may be faster than a speeding bullet, but he would need TWO bounds to leap a tall building.
DUST DETAILS: A recent study showed there may be a link between being overweight and household dust. If you’re overweight, check around your house: If the only thing in your house that’s not covered with dust is the refrigerator door handle, there’s your problem.
WORRY: According to a recent study, worrying can be good for some people. Oh great! So, now I have to worry that I’m not worrying enough??
COFFEE CHAOS: A study showed coffee is good for you. Then another study said coffee is bad. Later there was a study that said coffee is good. Then bad. Then good. Then bad. Then good. Then bad. A study shows coffee is a major cause of studies.