GRAVY GAG: Here’s more proof that the news is always worth chewing: Last week the World Gravy Wrestling Championships were held in England. Yes, gravy wrestling is a real thing. They use warm gravy. If the weather is very hot, they switch to cold custard wrestling.
METEOR MEMO: Last week, Edmonton residents saw a flaming meteor streak across the night sky. There were no reports of it landing. Scientists believe a meteor killed the dinosaurs, causing them to decompose over millions of years into fossil fuel, creating Alberta’s oil industry. So, a meteor landing in Alberta would have been kind of ironic. Meanwhile on TV an expert said a large meteor could kill all life on Earth. Although this time of year, thanks to Starbucks, a meteor would not be able to break through the Pumpkin Spice layer surrounding our planet.
HARRY HA HA: Britain’s Prince Harry arrived at a conference in his private jet and said we can all do better in our struggle to save the environment. Don’t knock Harry. He’s trying. For example: The prince no longer uses an aerosol spray cleaner when he polishes his crown.
ATM LOL: Last week was the 50th birthday of the ATM. Coincidentally, a study released last week showed the average ATM has millions of germs. Hey, many of us are germy by the time we reach our 50th birthday.
YOU PAY, YOUTUBE: YouTube was fined $170 million for collecting information from kids without parental consent. Santa does the same thing every December and nobody has a problem with him.
VERY VIENNA: In a survey released last week: Vienna, Austria was named the Most Livable City In The World. Three Canadian cities were in the Top Ten. Vienna is where people first danced the Waltz. The Waltz was the Funky Chicken of 1790. Vienna was ranked #1 because of its beautiful buildings, fine art, classical music, clean streets, low crime rate, and also those little Vienna sausages in cans.
NHL LOL: In a podcast interview, hockey superstar Sidney Crosby made an embarrassing admission: He’s worn the same jockstrap since he was in high school. So, all you young wanna-be NHL stars take note: It’s that kind of long term dedication that gets you into the big leagues.
MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER: In Perth, Australia: A vegetarian sued her neighbours. She hated the smell of burning meat on their barbecue. Her neighbours responded by organizing a mass barbecue outside her house, with hundreds of grills, but then decided to cancel that plan. This proves meat eaters and vegetarians can work out their differences. They just need to get together and chew the fat.
HORROR HA HA HA: Peace Country horror movie fans had a scary treat. It, Chapter 2 is another spine chilling story from author Stephen King. The terrifying Pennywise is back, as the clown who eats bratty kids. I guess a clown’s gotta do what a clown’s gotta do. By the way: Stephen King was on TV saying people get addicted to being shocked and horrified. I guess that’s why they watch TV news every night.
LABOR LAFF: Monday of last week was Labor Day, it’s a day to honor working people. In the hi-tech future, Labor Day will become Robot Appreciation Day. Labor Day is also the unofficial end of summer. I remember when I was a kid: Summer was not officially over until you saw a kid on the street riding your bike that was stolen back in June.
LIVE LONG: A new study shows optimists live longer than pessimists. Optimists say the glass is half full, while pessimists say the glass is half empty. Who grabbed the glass and drank half of its contents? An opportunist.
EARLY BIRD: On CBC a psychologist said the best gift you can give yourself is to wake up one hour earlier. Try it. Give yourself that gift. You’ll have 60 extra minutes to be cranky.