MICE NOT NICE: It's another news chewing session. This is the column where we do for news what onions do for liver. Our first story is from Utah in the States. A man was charged with releasing mice in hotel rooms. He did it at least three times. He complained about the critters and the hotel canceled his bill. This scam would not work at the Disneyland Hotel. At the Disneyland Hotel, they charge extra for a mouse in your room.
MOVIE MEMO: Sunday was Hollywood's biggest night of the year, the Academy Awards. As I watched the famous movie stars on TV, I thought: Hollywood is in big trouble if the terrorists build a Botox-seeking missile. Just once at the Oscars I'd like to hear a winner make a speech with the words: "I totally deserve this award. It's amazingly awesome how talented I am. You little people who didn't win an Oscar could learn a lot from me. There's nobody I want to thank. Well OK, maybe I should thank God for making me so amazingly awesome." A speech like that would be refreshing.
SOLAR STUFF: It was announced an overseas company will build Canada's largest solar energy plant in southern Alberta. Some local landowners don't like the idea. They think the company should stick its solar panels where the sun don't shine. If solar energy becomes big, how long will it be before Ottawa figures out how to put a meter on the sun? I wonder what flat Earth believers think of solar energy. Do they think we can install solar panels underneath, and capture energy from two directions at the same time? And what do they think of wind farms, like the one at Tumbler Ridge? Do flat Earth believers think a strong wind can blow loose items all the way to the edge, where they will drop off? Is this what happened to my missing patio furniture? These are big questions. Perspiring minds want to know!
SNOW STATISTIC: A study shows snowfall in many parts of Canada is only half of what it was 50 years ago. The study also shows if today's kids build a Frosty - there's only a 50% chance he will come to life.
PIGLET PARTICULARS: Our next stop is Iowa, where a truck flipped and spilled 1,738 piglets. Police and animal welfare workers rounded them up. Well, they rounded up most of them. There were a couple of piglets who ran wee-wee-wee, all the way home.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG? Japan announced it will release radio-active water into the ocean. Some people are nervous about pumping radio-active water into the ocean near Tokyo. But there's no need to worry. They're going to do it on Godzilla's day off.
WEATHER WONDER: On TV an expert said Peace Country weather is hard to forecast. Weather systems tend to move through our region slowly, messing up the forecast timeframe. The CBC rejected my suggestion of a weather forecast where oldtimers predict the weather using their physical ailments. You would hear stuff like: "Ooooh, my knee hurts! It's going to rain." Or, "My back is stiff. There's a cold snap coming." Or, "I have indigestion. It's going to be windy. Outside and inside."
SINATRA'S SEAT: At a Las Vegas auction, a gold toilet seat owned by Frank Sinatra sold for $4,250. Wow, imagine Frank Sinatra sitting on a gold toilet seat. It kind of puts a new slant on Frank's song, I Did It My Way.
CRY BABY: A study published last week shows the average one-year-old baby cries between 6 and 12 times per day. Hey, if you were hungry, and you couldn't walk or talk, you'd cry too!
RUSSIA REPORT: A strange event in Russia, the entire government suddenly resigned. The only people left are the janitor at the Kremlin and the guy who supplies drugs to the Russian Olympic team.
SMELL THIS: A new study shows women have a better sense of smell. Here's a fact: If a woman asks you to smell something, it's probably something that smells nice. But if a guy says, "Smell this," it's usually something that smells bad.