TENNIS TALE: We start this week’s news chewing session in London, where the Wimbledon Tennis Tournament is in full swing. Australian tennis player Bernard Tomic was fined $56,000 for “lack of effort”. Wimbledon officials said he wasn’t trying hard enough to win. I guess they knew he wasn’t trying when he played holding the wrong end of the racket. Here’s what I don’t understand about professional tennis players: Why do they grunt loudly when they hit the ball? One player recently released an album of his greatest grunts.
NANNY NEWS: We stay in London for our next news nibble. Duchess Meghan Markle has hired and fired three nannies, and her baby is only seven weeks old. It’s tough being a royal nanny. Every time you change the kid’s diaper you have to call in the ceremonial trumpet players to blow the official “Royal Baby Has Done A Doo-Doo” fanfare.
MAD MEMO: There’s a report MAD Magazine will cease publication. I guess there was no way it could compete with the nightly TV news.
MUSIC MEMORIES: Remember the Sony Walkman? Last week was the 40th anniversary of when it was first introduced. It ruled the market until Apple introduced the iPod, and digital replaced tape. Today’s kids will never know the unique sound the Walkman made when its batteries started to die. By the way, in today’s politically correct world, there could never be a product called WalkMAN. WalkPERSON, maybe.
WEB WOOF: A new website launched on the internet. You can go online and talk to actual real dogs and watch their reactions. Coming soon: A website where you can talk to cats — and watch them ignore you.
BANANA BYE BYE: Can you imagine a world without bananas? Experts say a fungus could make bananas extinct. Scientists are working around the clock to find another fruit you can hold up to your ear and pretend you’re talking on a phone.
EATS: According to a new survey, the best restaurant in the world is a place called Mirazur on the French Riviera. Somebody should open a French-Canadian restaurant in Moscow and call it Vladimir’s Poutine. By the way: A new poll in Russia gives President Vladimir Putin an 81% approval rating. Vladimir’s kind of upset. He’s working hard to get his rating back up to 170%.
SEALS SING: On CBC, they interviewed a marine biologist who taught a group of seals to sing. They showed the seals singing. I’m pretty sure one of the seals was lip syncing.
MADONNA MEMO: Singer Madonna is being criticized for wearing an eyepatch all the time as a fashion statement. The only thing more ridiculous than Madonna wearing an eyepatch as a fashion statement? Madonna wearing TWO eyepatches.
GROCERY GAG: A new study shows women are twice as fast as men at finding bargains in the supermarket. OK, fine. But in the supermarket parking lot, I am twice as fast as my wife at returning the grocery cart to the cart corral.
GENIE JEST: Peace Country movie fans enjoyed Aladdin. A reminder: The Aladdin story is fiction. It didn’t really happen. It was made up as a sales gimmick by the magic lamp industry. This new movie is an updated version of the story. Aladdin downloads a Magic Lamp app onto his phone. But here’s my question: If a genie gives me three wishes, can I wish for more wishes? And if the genie says wishing for more wishes is against the wish rules, can I wish for a change to the wish rules so I can wish for more wishes? Asking for a friend.
MUMPS MEMO: And for our final news chew, medical experts say mumps is making a comeback in Canada. Anyone can catch the infection at any age. When I was a kid, we were poor. I could only afford one mump.