DISNEY DISS: We start news chewing in Hollywood. Disney announced they will remake Home Alone. Macaulay Culkin may be in the new version of the movie. But instead of portraying the young hero Kevin, Macaulay will play one of the bad guys who are trying to break into the house. Wow, that’s different! That would be like a Star Trek remake with William Shatner playing a Klingon.
MOVIES: While we’re on the topic of movies, Peace Country theatres showed Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw. The story of how a cyber-genetically enhanced villain threatens all of humanity. Gee, I hate it when cyber-genetically enhanced villains do that. Why can’t cyber-genetically enhanced villains do small-scale bad stuff? Like shoplifting. Or vandalism. Or jaywalking. By the way: You know you’re getting old when you watch a Fast & Furious movie and you wonder what kind of rates these guys pay for auto insurance. But do we really need more Fast & Furious movies? They’ve made at least 20 of them. How long will it be before these guys are so old they do a movie titled Sluggish & Annoyed?
DORA DISS: Also in Peace Country theatres: The new Dora The Explorer movie. If you have kids you know Dora. She claims she’s an explorer. But Dora always carries a map clearly marked with her destination. Plus she only goes places that are close to her home. Geez, what a phony!
FOSSIL FACT: Next, it’s fossil news. Scientists announced they havefound the fossil of a 19 million year old prehistoric parrot. This parrot could have sat on a perch in Fred Flintstone’s living room. Actually, that’s unlikely. This ancient parrot was four feet tall and had a vicious beak. When a Polly like that wants a cracker, you don’t argue.
CHICKEN CHUCKLE: And while we’re discussing birds, on CBC last week there was an item about how some senior living facilities in Canada have “therapy chickens” for residents to care for. I get my “therapy chickens” at KFC.
BORIS BULLETIN: Britain’s new Prime Minister Boris Johnson continued to settle into his new job. He’s a scary looking dude. And this just in from London: The guy who styles Boris’s hair was arrested and charged with drunk barbering.
WEATHER WOES: Back home in the Peace, the summer of 2019 continues to be one of the worst summers in recorded history, with only a few breaks in the rain. When I was a little kid my Grandma told me rain was liquid sunshine. But I never believed her. Because she also told me snow was angel dandruff. And wind was fairy flatulence.
CARD CHAOS: A study shows sales of greeting cards are half what they were five years ago. I guess things change. Five years ago my wife would need four hours in the store to select the right greeting card. Now she needs just two hours.
BILLION BULLETIN: There’s a report the Apple company will invest one (B) billion dollars in its new video streaming service. That’s a lot of money, but I know they have it. One billion dollars is how much I have personally paid to Apple to replace cracked screens on iPhones.
BALL BULLETIN: A new study shows those fast food restaurant ball pits are contaminated with dirt, vomit, feces and urine. Gee, when they hear about the study, kids will want to play in there even more.
BEE BULLETIN: There’s another study that shows the honeybee population is declining. On TV an expert said the average honeybee produces less than two teaspoons of honey in its entire lifetime. So I guess when bees do that “busy as a bee” thing, they’re faking it.
PSYCHIC KICK: Before I go, I should mention last week was Psychic Week. I consulted a psychic who predicted I would fail to come up with a funny comment about Psychic Week. He was right.