SALAD STUFF: Before we begin chewing on our weekly diet of weird items, a reminder May is National Salad Month. So here are the croutons in your salad of news.
YETI YET? Last week, in the snowy Himalaya mountains of Northern India, soldiers claimed they found fresh footprints made by the fabled Yeti. That’s ridiculous! That’s crazy! Everybody knows this time of year the Yeti vacations with his buddy the Sasquatch on the shores of Loch Ness in Scotland.
CROC CHAOS: The makers of Crocs shoes unveiled a new idea. Little fanny packs that clip onto the heels of your Crocs. I think it’s a great idea. The dorkiness of the fanny pack cancels out the dorkiness of the Crocs, and the dorkiness of the Crocs cancels out the dorkiness of the fanny pack.
CASH CHAOS: Michigan police are asking people to return $30,000 in cash that fell off the back of a pickup truck and scattered across a highway. There was mayhem as people stopped their cars and dashed to grab cash. Meanwhile: A reminder from police here in Fort St. John: If you’re driving around with a stack of cash in the back of your truck, to prevent a similar situation to the one in Michigan, please secure your stack of cash with a dab of glue stick. Or Blu-Tack. Thank you.
KENTUCKY DERBY: The Kentucky Derby was Saturday. They call the Kentucky Derby “the fastest two minutes in sports.” That’s not accurate. The fastest two minutes in sports was the two minutes Edmonton Oilers fans had hopes for their team this season. By the way: Here’s my question about the Kentucky Derby: If a jockey breaks a leg, does his horse shoot him?)
HUMOR HOROSCOPE: On CBC last week, an astrologer said people born under the sign of Taurus have the “gift of the gab.” That figures. Taurus is a load of bull.
COASTER CHAOS: The world’s tallest, fastest, and longest-dive rollercoaster opened in Ontario. It has a 245-foot drop at a 90-degree angle and a 360-degree loop at a speed of 80 miles per hour. When you get off the ride, there’s a guy who re-attaches your face.
EXPANSION EXPLANATION: A scientist says the universe is expanding faster than previously thought. When the expansion stops, time will run backwards. Time running backwards? That’s bad news. We’ll have to live through the disco era all over again. The scientist says there is no likelihood our expanding universe will collide with another universe. That’s good news. Do you have any idea how big the deductible is on universe collision insurance?
FROG FACT: Scientists announced they have discovered a frog that glows in the dark. This is not new. Kermit always glows after a hot date with Miss Piggy.
PARROT PARTICULARS: In Brazil, a parrot was arrested after it tipped off a gang of criminals that police officers were nearby. Nobody likes a parrot who’s a stool pigeon. By the way: The cops who interrogated the parrot used a Polly-graph.
ROBOT REPORT: In a survey published last week: 57% said robots are a threat to humans. In the same survey: 100% of robots said humans are under control, no problem, the plan is working.
ROYAL REPORT: London newspapers report Prince Harry and his wife Meghan plan to live part of the year in Africa. Actually, I can imagine Prince Harry swinging Tarzan-style through the jungle. Although he will need a chinstrap for his crown.
COLON CRIME: At a hospital in the U.S.: A device used to perform colonoscopies was stolen. There are two possible scenarios: One: The colonoscopy device was taken by thieves who will sell it. Or two: The device was taken by someone with a very weird hobby.