MAN BITES DOG: Our weekly news chewing session begins in Palm Beach, where a man made headlines by chewing on something he should not have chewed on. His dog. (Journalists all over the world have been waiting to write a Man Bites Dog headline) The dog is OK, the man was arrested. He was charged with setting up a Man Bites Dog joke — and failing to provide a funny punchline.
LET IT SNOW! Last week, Calgary received a record-breaking early snowfall. Crews took several days to clear the streets. There was so much snow, they seriously considered changing Calgary’s nickname from Cowtown to Plowtown.
BAGPIPES BULLETIN: In Edinburgh, a man was arrested after people complained he was standing on a busy downtown street playing his bagpipes too loud. Just to clarify: with bagpipes, “too loud” is any level at which the bagpipes can actually be heard. Being arrested for playing bagpipes in Scotland? That’s kind of like being arrested for playing a ukulele in Hawaii.
VOTE NOTE: It’s local election season in Fort St John. What’s the difference between a political candidate and a voter? Political candidates do a lot of handshaking. Voters do a lot of head shaking.
HOCKEY HA HA: The Vancouver Canucks have banned team members from playing Fortnite and other video games. Coaches say they want players to concentrate on what’s happening on the ice. They also banned the Zamboni driver from copying any of the fancy moves he’s seen on the Grand Theft Auto video game.
TEACHER TRIBUTE: Friday was designated by the United Nations as World Teacher’s Day. Being a teacher is tough, especially in the times we live in. Like, when a kid says “I didn’t do my homework because I don’t want my brain to overheat and contribute to global warming.” Hey kids, here’s a tip, this is from personal experience: next time your teacher asks you a tough question in class, say: “I don’t have an answer right now, but you’ve sure given me a lot to think about.” Try it. It worked for me.
FACEBOOK FIASCO: It was announced 50 million Facebook accounts have been hacked. It’s easy to figure out who hacked your Facebook if you check your account and your relationship status is now Comrade.
CANNIBAL CHAOS: A woman in Russia was charged with cannibalism, she admitted eating 30 people. Her husband is also a cannibal. When he’s late for dinner, she gives him the cold shoulder.
MOVIE MEMO: In Peace Country movie theaters last week: Smallfoot. The story of a sasquatch with very big feet. If you ever see a report of a clown who was mugged for his shoes, it was probably a sasquatch who did it. The movie is a cartoon comedy, but real sasquatches are scary. If you are walking in the woods, and you meet a sasquatch, you are going to “sas” in your “quatch.”
ROBOT REPORT: Engineering students were on CBC TV displaying a robot they built that can tie and untie shoelaces. Here’s what would be more impressive: A robot that takes only a few seconds to remove a three-year old kid with a full bladder from a zipped-up snowsuit.
NET NEWS: On TV last week, an expert said the internet is making people paranoid. I tried to join Paranoids Anonymous. They wouldn’t tell me where they hold their meetings.
WAIT, WEIGHT WHAT?: Weight Watchers announced it will shorten its name. It will be known as WW. If you say the new name aloud, it’s “double you, double you”. But wait a minute, how can “Double You” be a good image for a weight loss company...?