NUTELLA NEWS: In my global quest to find news worth chewing on, this may be the most delicious item I’ve found so far — and also the scariest. An international Nutella crisis is developing. Workers at the Nutella factory are on strike, there could be a worldwide shortage of the delicious hazelnut goo. Let me say here and now, I hate the company that makes Nutella. Their jars are too deep for me to reach the bottom with my tongue. Spoon? I don’t have time to look for a spoon! The Nutella is waiting!
QUAKE SHAKE: What’s even scarier than a Nutella shortage? Experts predict in the coming years Western Canada will have hundreds of minor earthquakes. What’s the difference between a minor earthquake and a major earthquake? It’s a minor earthquake when there’s a tremble in the ground beneath your feet. It’s a major earthquake when the ground is ABOVE your feet.
BRAD BULLETIN: In movie news, a trailer for Brad Pitt’s next movie was released. In the trailer, Brad looks wrinkly and old. I guess the words “He’s no Brad Pitt” are now a compliment. In the movie, Brad plays an astronaut who goes millions of miles into space to save humanity. Or maybe he’s just trying to get as far away as possible from Angelina Jolie.
JEOPARDY JEST: Last Monday, Jeopardy champion James Holzhauer’s incredible winning streak came to an end. His cash total: Almost US $2.5 million. It was the most exciting night in game show history since Pat Sajak’s tie got snagged in the Wheel of Fortune and Pat almost choked. Holzhauer said the stress of being a Jeopardy champion is almost unbearable. When it was all over, he had to have the buzzer surgically removed from his thumb. Sources say after Holzhauer’s big payday, the producers may change the rules to make it harder for a contestant to do what he did. There’s also a rumour of a huge change on Wheel of Fortune: They’re going to try spinning the wheel anti-clockwise.
MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER: You think we have weird weather in the Peace Country? What’s the weirdest weather Australians can see? Probably snow. Well, for the first time in many years Australians saw snowfall last week. And because Australia is upside down, the snow fell UP. Actually, snow is not a problem if you’re a kangaroo. Every kangaroo is born with built-in snowshoes.
PLASTIC DRASTIC: A new study by the University of Victoria shows the average person swallows thousands of tiny plastic pieces every year. This is not good. But on the plus side, plastic is gluten-free.
FACEBOOK FUN: A report shows around the world, half a million people quit Facebook every week and join other social media networks. Facebook is losing its appeal. Here’s something mischievous you can do on Facebook: Get into a heated online argument with someone, go back and forth with angry, nasty comments, then suddenly delete all of your comments. Only the other person’s enraged comments remain on view — which makes them look totally crazy. Try it.
BED BUG BULLETIN: According to an item on CBC, bed bugs are a growing problem in Canada. I’m thinking bed bugs must have been bored out of their tiny minds before beds were invented.
MUPPET MEMO: To celebrate its 40th anniversary, The Muppet Movie will return to theatres for two days only, July 25 and 30. I remember when The Muppet Movie was nominated for an Oscar. In the category Best Use Of A Piece Of Felt And Some Googly Eyes Glued On.
POLE PARTICULARS: Maybe you saw a news item about how Canada is in a territorial dispute with Denmark over ownership of the North Pole. Hey, it’s darn obvious the North Pole is in Canada. When the other reindeer wouldn’t let Rudolph join in their reindeer games, the game they were playing was hockey.
ROBOT ROMANCE: Lastly, a Toronto scientist predicts humans and robots will become romantically involved. Ladies, if you want to drive a guy robot crazy with passion, squirt a little WD40 behind your ears.