PATRICK PARTICULARS: We begin news chewing in Ireland, where last week’s St Patrick’s Day celebrations were more sober than usual. Due to the virus situation, Ireland closed all of its pubs. Wow, Ireland with no pubs?! That’s like the Rockies with no mountains! That’s like Iceland with no ice! That’s like Brazil with no rain forest! Oh yeah, I forgot, they’re working on that. By the way: You may recall Saint Patrick is famous for driving all the snakes out of Ireland. In an updated version of the story — he drove all the toilet paper out of the supermarket.
ABDUCTION PROTECTION: A Florida company announced it will sell alien abduction insurance. Your $100 policy pays off if you are abducted by aliens and returned to Earth. For an extra 50 bucks you can insure yourself against the aliens probing you.
NAP NEWS: There’s another study showing people who take naps are happier. In the past year there have been five studies with the same results. There may have been others. I’m not sure. I was napping.
BEAR BULLETIN: Experts say bears are coming out of hibernation early this year. How great would it be if humans hibernated every winter? We’d get a good nap for three or four months. We’d save money by not buying stuff. We’d help the environment by not driving. We’d avoid winter weather. And we wouldn’t have to worry about the toilet paper shortage. Somebody, please make this happen!
SPRING FLING: Thursday was the first day of Spring. Here in the Peace Country, spring is that wonderful time of year between slipping on a patch of ice and sticking to a plastic lawn chair.
NET NEWS: In a survey about Internet use, many people aged 60 to 80 spend two hours online daily. One hour of that is trying to remember passwords.
DOGGY DETAIL: A study shows people who talk to their dogs are smarter than people who do not talk to their dogs. Meanwhile, a canine survey reveals 90% of dogs wish their smart-alek owners would occasionally shut up.
PLASTIC DRASTIC: The Lego company announced it will stop making toy bricks from plastic, they will switch to an environmentally-friendly non-plastic material. We live in ridiculous times. Lego bricks made in 1950 still fit with bricks made today. And yet a two year old phone charger cord won't fit your new phone.
FRUIT FACT: An orchard company in BC has introduced a new type of apple that doesn't go brown after you slice it. The only reason there are different types of apples is so your wife can yell at you when you bring the wrong type home from the grocery store.
DIAPER DETAIL: Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have developed a "smart diaper" that sends an alert to your phone when your baby needs a fresh diaper. The next phase of the project? Your phone starts smelling like the dirty diaper. Gee, with all that's happening in today's world, it's comforting to know our brightest scientific minds are working on the big problems.
FACE FACT: With the coronavirus situation, medical experts are reminding us to wash our hands many times every day. They say you should also frequently wash your face. If you're a politician, wash BOTH faces.
TP DOA: The toilet paper shortage is very annoying, but for years now we've been spoiled with a wide selection of TP. We can choose from one-ply, two-ply, three-ply, cushioned-for-comfort, extra-large, scented, super-soft, color-coordinated etc, etc. I'm kind of surprised there's no such thing as gluten-free toilet paper.
TP HEE HEE: In Sydney, Australia, a man was cleaning out his late father's storage unit and found hundreds of rolls of toilet paper. He plans to give them to the needy. By the way, Australian toilet paper is very good stuff. It really cleans "down under".
TP LOL: Toilet paper is now like gold. I am selling my own brand of one-ply TP. I make it myself, I get two rolls of one-ply from every roll of two-ply. It takes time to separate the rolls, but I'm making