Judy Kucharuk: The internet lies about many things, even kitchen renos

judy

Have any of you ever painted your kitchen? I’m not just talking about the walls, but inside the cupboard and the cupboard doors as well? Don’t forget that involves taking off the hardware!

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Lucky me, I can finally check that off my bucket list of unenviable tasks, because my daughter and I have just finished painting her kitchen.

Before we began, we scoured Pinterest for inspiration and tips. According to Pinterest (aka the Devil’s Playbook) and their multitude of how-to posts, folks can paint their kitchen in a single day – rewarding themselves with a chilled glass of white wine and a family game of Scrabble on their freshly painted kitchen island. Everyone laughing, mom (obviously the painter) looking like she had spent the day relaxing at the spa, the kitchen looking shiny and new. 

That’s fiction, believe me. I now speak from experience and can say that painting a kitchen is the least fun activity I have participated in, which is saying quite a bit because I’ve participated in some fairly unimpressive activities. In hindsight, it was a learning experience, and I wanted to impart some kitchen-painting wisdom before I forget, or block it like I blocked childbirth.

The most important tip: take Pinterest with a grain of salt — or shot of whiskey. They (those Pinterest people) make painting a kitchen look so easy. 

Lies. Painting a kitchen is one of the most time-consuming, exhausting jobs and no one on Pinterest has the guts to tell it like it is.

For instance, my short arms do not go all the way in the cupboard unless I yoga myself into a position that can’t be sustained for long periods of time. While doing the cabinet underneath the sink I got a Charlie horse in my butt muscle and almost peed myself from the pain. Then, I didn’t have any upper body strength left to pull myself up to a standing position. And let’s not forget the coup de grace when I was up on the ladder and didn’t realize that the breeze from the floor fan was turning the ceiling fan blades. Note for future: they don’t hurt that bad — my hair will cover the injury.

You need to wash, sand, wipe, prime, sand and then, and only then, can you open your can of Peregrine Falcon Wingtip Grey and begin painting.

Last night, I woke up from a deep sleep because I was lying on my right arm and it wouldn’t move. My hand was curled in the same position as I was holding the damn paintbrush — muscle memory was steering the ship in my dream. Needless to say, Advil is my friend this morning.

I learned that I lack the basic skills necessary to use a power screwdriver and can strip a screw in a matter of a few short bursts of energy. 

I have decided that if I could go back in time I would throat punch the person that used oil-based orange paint to paint the insides of the cupboards.

So many lessons learned in a week (note: not just one day). If anyone ever tells you that painting a kitchen is a breeze, you have my permission to whisper a profanity under your breath and walk away.

Judy Kucharuk is a lover of sarcasm, witty people and footnotes. Follow her @judylaine

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