To please or not to please

Something New


One thing I've been having trouble reminding myself during this whole wedding-planning process is that it's my wedding.

You'd think that'd be a given, considering it is my wedding (and David's, of course).

But when it comes to wedding planning, it's easy to forget yourself, especially when it seems everyone else is pushing their own opinions/wants/demands/advice on you all at the same time.

The white noise from family, friends and guests tends to drown out everything you're thinking about, and you start to get confused; you start to question if these things you always thought you wanted are, actually, what you wanted at all.

It's like a Jedi mind trick these other people are casting on you so that they get their own way, and if you're not strong enough to resist, you're toast.

For me, I'm lucky to have a sister and some friends who've been married, and while they've all had different weddings, they all say the same thing - "Don't let anyone push you around on your wedding day. It's your wedding, not theirs, and if you don't do it your way, you're going to look back and regret it."

With those words floating above my head like angry sugar plums, it's been a bit easier for me to say no than it would've been if I didn't have their support.

But, then again, I've been a people pleaser my whole life, putting other people's happiness before my own. It's been a life-long curse, and now that I'm planning a wedding, it's definitely more of a pain than usual because I always "feel bad" for everyone else.

No matter how many times my sister tells me, "Stand up for yourself! It's your wedding!" I can't help but shrink a bit and want family to get their way because I "feel bad" for them and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

It's almost impossible for me to put myself first, it's always been that way, but as the months go by, it's getting easier because I am realizing that if I don't stand up for myself and for this wedding I've wanted since I was a little girl, then I won't have that wedding at all.

Instead it'll be a wedding that a bunch of other people have created by pushing their own agendas on us. I have 100 guests. If I let everyone have a say, it'd be the strangest wedding anyone's ever seen, with a mixture of Maritime craziness and West Coast carefree granola-eating stuff.

I have a vision, I have my "musts" and I also have other things I'm more pliable about (and that's where I'll let others have input). I've learned that no matter who it is, my musts are my musts, and there's no swaying me on them. I don't want to look back and wish I'd stuck up for myself five years down the road, wishing I could go back and time and say, "No, that's not what I want."

Instead, I'd rather tick a few people off and hope they get over it so that we have the wedding we want; the wedding we'll look back on for the rest of our lives.

After all, it's our wedding.

And I hope other people understand that. We don't mean to be pushy or hurtful if we say no to something, or if we (I) don't like an idea; I just know what I want and I want to see that vision come to fruition as closely as possible (I keep swaying between 'we' and 'I' because it's mostly my vision but David has his 'musts' too).

My advice to those who are dealing with the wedding of a friend or family member: please don't be too pushy with your vision/advice/wants. I know you mean well, but there's a line between meaning well and just flat-out wanting something done your way.

Many times that line is crossed and you don't even know it, but it puts a lot more stress on the bride and groom who just want to make everyone happy. Before asking them to reconsider on a centerpiece/cake/DJ, stop yourself, take a step back and ask yourself, 'Is this what they want or is this what I want?'

If more people did that, there'd be more sober brides-to-be in the world.

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